LIVING WITH TYPE A’s: THE ”CHAOTIC DESPERATION” PATTERN
Stressful as life is for the competitive couples just described, for turmoil and eventual despair they do not even compare with the people caught in this next pattern of Type A marriage. These are the ones whose marriages revolve around a hot reactor Type A personality and are affected by the frequent bursts of extreme behavior that characterize Type A hot reactivity. These bursts can involve anger, activity, blame, or substance abuse, to name but a few possibilities.
The destructive impact of such outbursts and behavioral extremes on a marriage is obvious; they batter its emotional core. These extreme events often lead to an emotional shutdown in the marriage or to defensive and bitter conflict that creates distance between spouses. Remaining emotionally open simply begins to feel too risky when your mate might explode into painful anger or activity at any moment.
When the spouse withdraws emotionally, the desperation and fears that underlie the hot reactor's style become fuel injected. Herein lies the great paradox of this version of Type A reactivity: these seemingly self-focused and individualistic hot reactors, who apparently work hard to avoid intimacy in their lives, are often desperately dependent on getting nurturing input from their spouses. Such Type A's often fear their own self-destructiveness deeply. They are anxious about whether they will be capable of holding themselves together for another day of struggles and battles with the outside world. They feel as though life is filled with demons, both internal and external, and that moments of loving connection with their spouses are the only soothing experiences available in their lives.
If the mate of a hot reactor Type A is a Type B personality, this mate often drifts into a state of depression over being unable to change the hot reactor's coping style. Enduring becomes the meaning of life, and emotional shutdown helps us endure. When the mate begins to act depressed, the Type A spouse often feels guilty: "Look what I've done now with my disgusting self. I'm ruining my spouse's life." Or the Type A spouse might escape despair by fleeing into anger: "I've got enough problems without you guilt-tripping me and accusing me of being the source of your pain."
If the mate is also a hot reactor Type A, look out! These are the marriages that frequently explode, either verbally or physically. Many such couples engage in open war by purposely withholding affection and attention, all the while knowing that doing so drives the mate crazy. Peter, a hot reactor patient of mine, explained:
"I work eighteen hours a day, six days a week, and I feel there's nothing I can't accomplish as long as one thing happens: I need my wife to be nice to me in the mornings before I go out to battle the lions. [Note the Superperson state and the paradox of independence and dependence.]
"The problem is that she loves to kick me when I'm down. I was in the middle of closing the biggest deal of my career last month, and sometimes I had to sleep at the office. I would call her in the mornings or drop by to say hello before the new day's battle began, and she wouldn't even kiss me or tell me she loved me! When she acts like that, I go into a rage that ruins my entire morning. I don't understand why she won't understand how important it is for her to be nice to me! After all, I'm doing all this work to provide a good life for her and for our kids." [Note the denial of responsibility for self, projection of blame, and unawareness of the impact of his own behaviors on the emotions of others.]
These couples truly do live in a state of chaos and desperation. They feel trapped by their fears of destruction. The hot reactor fears being destroyed if he or she is not loved back, and the mate shares this fear. These are the people who often lament, "I can't live with you, and I can't live without you."
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MISCELLANEOUS Causes of headaches: The Body Clock