LIVING WITH TYPE A’s: THE “ISLAND MAN/WOMAN” PATTERN
In contrast to the chaotic emotional connections in hot reactor marriages, the next pattern is characterized by extremes of emotional and behavioral detachment and disconnection. Here, life revolves around the Type A who conveys the attitude "What I think, need, or want is all that really matters. Other people are an inconvenience to be endured." Such people become extremely self-focused and isolated, appearing to pay no attention to feedback from others about their behavior. They seem no more than slightly irritated when spouse or family complain that they want more emotional connection from them.
These people are excessively demanding of themselves, and they tend to live lives filled with self-disciplined pursuit of their lofty goals. In so doing, they ask for and expect very little support from others. They appear independent, aloof, or even arrogant in their approach to life.
This lack of involvement with others is fueled by the belief, conveyed both directly and indirectly, that other people are basically incompetent. For example, when the mate shares details of the upcoming day, this person may respond by quizzing the mate about taking necessary precautions ("Did you remember to fill the car with gas?") or giving parent like reminders ("Of course, you'll remember to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home?"). These people simply do not trust others to behave perfectly enough. For example, a banker friend of mine has an Island Woman Type A wife who routinely reviews his balancing of the checkbook; she does not trust her banker husband to add and substract correctly.
This combination of aloofness and faultfinding is a wall that prevents the development or maintenance of intimacy in the marriage. Spouses of such Type A's often come for counseling, requesting help in their painful grappling’s with the decision whether to remain in the marriage. These spouses have often been forced to the conclusion that their mates will never change because they are unwilling to do so. Their own depression is related to the lack of intimacy in their lives, and they feel compelled to do something to fix the situation. They know that without the cooperation of their mates, increasing intimacy in the marriage is impossible. They also have learned to fear that their mates will not cooperate in creating more intimacy. This explains why they begin to consider leaving the relationship.
Often, a painful bond in such marriages comes from the spouse's true concern for the seemingly invincible mate. These spouses have occasionally witnessed the Island crumble into depression, having failed to attain the perfectionistic standards that fuel this coping style. Island spouses are also painfully aware of their mates' extreme isolation. They often fear that if they do leave the marriage, the mates will have no anchor during the periodic storms of depression that inevitably batter all islands.
Paralysis, "stuck-ness," quiet desperation, loneliness—all these descriptions apply to this marital pattern.
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